Abraham Lincoln Issue
Abraham Lincoln's Fight with Depression
What do Women Really Want ?
Ability House, Birmingham, Alabama
"Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing"
-Helen Keller
A natural ability to teach runs in my family. In 1902,Grandma Nell taught in a one-room schoolhouse. As the new millennium approaches, I, her granddaughter, love it as much as she did.
I am a therapist. I offer others the
acquired relationship skills I learned
through hard times and personal
choice. My Germanic persistence
and Scottish-Irish intuition guide
me, but my clients make the choice
to use these techniques. They are the
brave ones.
The field of evolutionary psychology and social anxiety form the
concrete basis of my work, but the
application of my work is an entirely
different matter. In my previous
practice in Seattle with Microsoft
millionaires and now in California
with Silicon Valley engineers, a
quote comes to mind: "Money can't
buy you happiness, but it can buy
you a car to drive around while you
look for it." Perhaps a hard drive
would be preferable. You see, I specialize in dating anxiety, and work a
great deal with smart, lonely engineers who often have never had
long-lasting relationships. One man
swore he would rather have his arm
cut off than be rejected by another
woman. Another highly placed VIP
made love once in his life at forty.
Only his priest and I know this. A
woman wished for a physical scar so
others could see her unhappiness and
pay attention to her.
To understand the opposite sex
is one thing, but to accept that your
old ways are not working, to venture
out of your shell, feel terrified, experience defeat, and get back out there
on the field? Courage. My clients are
amazingly brave people and I benefit
greatly when they allow me to assist.
CHANGE: To give a completely
different form to.
To lay aside.
In the beginning we learn
at our parents' knees, internalizing
the strengths and weaknesses of
mom and dad. Of their weaknesses
we pronounce, I'll never let that hap-
pen to me." If we feel emotional or
physical pain, we retreat through
instinct, a natural ability. We withdraw by getting away or overcompensate by acting tough. Dad asks
how you are after Mom spent the
better part of an hour yelling, "Sure
I'm fine!"
How does the saying go? We are
born fine, and then the world DEFINES us.
If we happen to be born with
great challenges, physical differences or parents who angrily give us
their definition about our lives, we
seek comfort. We isolate, eat too
much, or hit someone, continuing to
do whatever works until our chaotic
early lives are under control. Over
time repeated responses become
ingrained habits. These survival
strategies, combined with our innate
physical and intellectual abilities
form our adult personalities.
Then.., we notice this girl or boy
sitting across from us in class and
our romantic difficulties begin.
Many of my clients needed new
skills at this point, but didn't get
them, With our bodies telling us to:
"Go for it!" Our parents teaching us
what their parents taught them:
"Don't go for it! " And, sex education classes telling us "How To
"Avoid going for it, even though
going for it is natural..." Is it any
wonder that the going got rough?
Maybe we should log on and
forget the whole mess.
As a relationship counselor, my
initial research concerned women's
dating habits. Later, I began to work
with "dating challenged" men, an
enormously under-served, hidden
population. These men find their
way to me through the underground
grapevine, for men rarely tell their
buddies they are having girl problems. Tell your friends in the male
kingdom that you aren't uh- having
success is like getting picked last for
the baseball team (and that's putting
it politely).
The somewhat sensational title
of my book What the Hell Do
Women Really Want? (2d. Ed.)
echoes exactly what I hear when
men complain about women.
"Women say they want a sensitive
guy, but then they choose a jerk."
My observation as a clinician in this
field is that women don't want men
who push them around, but
they do want men who can
stand up to them. Balance is
the key. Though women are
initially drawn to a "sensitive"
man, who listens well and is
gentle and kind, as the dating
progresses, his quietness
begins to feel boring or worse,
"dweeby." She leaves saying,
"let's just be friends."
But, because he has the
skill of persistence, this man
continues to chase after her,
often enduring mistreatment.
He spends much time and
money on her hoping she will
change her mind if he just tries
hard enough. Why are these
men having trouble? As children, most of them worked
hard to attain love. It wasn't
OK to say no to Mom so they
withdrew to their safe places:
their guitar, their computer,
their rope swing. It was not
OK (and still isn't) for a boy to
cry on the playground if he skinned
his knee. Now, as an adult, his girlfriend asks him to feel? On top of this he often has, like other people, internalized the partial mind-set of a critical parent. So, he retreats when she wants connection, perceiving her
needs as criticism.
Twenty-five years of passive-
aggressive behavior, of nodding
agreeably on the outside and being
furious on the inside will not miraculously stop "when the right girl shows up," no matter what your Aunt Rita says. It might if the right skill set is learned, but until the age a crisis hits, men with low self-esteem will continue to chase women who don't appreciate them. Much worse,
they often marry women they don't
love rather than risk rejection.
The same problem insecurity
from feeling under attack as a child is solved by other men who use
offensive tactics. I don't see many
"Mr. Cools" in my practice. I joke
and say, "they've got women hanging all over them - why should they
possibly think they need help?" In
fact, they are much worse off than
Mr. Nice Guy who can learn new
habits more easily, due to his capacity for humility. Mr. Cool has such a
strong defense that only a serious
crisis might shake him up enough to
seek help. He usually finds another
woman first, and often ages bitter
and alone, or alcoholic. Groucho: "I
wouldn't want to join a club that
would have me as a member of it."
The man who outwardly appears
OK, but who has continuous relationship problems, uses the skill of
acting OK, because society reinforces all that achievement. He channels all of his natural ability to achieve, his "physical, mental, financial and legal power," as the dictionary says, to gain attention. A functional relationship is not first on his list. But boy, does he look good! Which is why he wins the girl. What he loses is his soul. You don't hear about what comes after.. ."happily ever after."
Interestingly enough, the dictionary definition of "natural ability"
omits spiritual ability.
The female clients I work with
choose mates who don't appreciate
them. They often chose safety by
marrying someone they don't love,
just as some of my male clients do.
Later in life (often after divorce)
many women are bitter. They cannot
accept responsibility for their own
half of the story. Retreating into work or their children, these women may live alone for many years unless they choose
to change.
Patterns Do Not Change
WithoutConscious
Consistent Effort
Some patterns of "love challenged" men: He is criticized and grows to be a man who quests for the perfect girl.
He dates hundreds of women, but none pass his test. For he focuses on the flaws he finds. (If he actually chose someone,
he would have to work through the difficult talk of communicating!)
He sees the problem outside himself. If everyone would just cooperate, things would be fine.
The people pleaser or "doormat"
thinks if he tries hard enough he will
hopefully get noticed.
He hasn't dated in years, or has dated only three or four times and might be over thirty. (That is not as unusual as you might think!)
Might be fixated on one woman years after the break-up. (Worse-he may never have dated her!)
Has never experienced an ongoing relationship or a satisfying sexual life.
Spends thousands of dollars on girls who have no intention of ever becoming intimate with him.
He works himself numb to avoid feeling,
escapes by any means possible and sometimes, when the stress of
being alone cuts too deep, pays for
company. The oldest profession has plenty of clients. Did you know that most
men who go to call girls are lonely, quiet guys? One of my clients, a bright
computer engineer spent $17,000 "rescuing" a nineteen-year-old lap
dancer.. .actually believing that she
loved him!
What should these men do to change? In my book I cover techniques to dislodge old patterns. Below I offer you a different tool which promotes personal transformation, together with a small anecdote. Good luck!
About Spiritual Ability
Here is an interesting and very
helpful perceptual self-growth tool.
It can help you use events in the outside world to understand what is happening on the emotional and unconscious planes. It is a well-known defense in psychology called "projective identification." It works like a mirror by reflecting interior emotional blockages on your outside world. You believe your problem is in the other person, or your environment. What you are actually seeing
is your emotional weakness projected outside yourself. Pay attention to
what you don't like in others. This
unique skill is called the quot;spiritual
mirror."
Folks with physical disabilities
get used to the fact that much of the
other "abled" world feels uncomfortable around them. Our mothers told us not to stare, it wasn't nice. Well, I don't always follow Mom's advice
(though I sure wish I had at other
times) so one day I used the mirror
technique to make contact. An
acquaintance (who I initially thought
was blind) was sitting quietly, not
taking part in the conversation. He
seemed uncomfortable. I wondered
about his sight, struggling with the
projection that society teaches us -
don't look, don't ask. After sitting in
discomfort but paying attention to
my intuition, I decided that it was
perfectly all right for me to ask
about his sight. So, I did. Brightening, he briefly explained how his sight functioned, but didn't elaborate. I persisted, asking him exactly
where his vision was and wasn't.
Although one eye was blind, he
could see a narrow field with the
other. I bent my head down and
looked where he indicated - "Can
you see me now?" "...Yes! We were
both excited." After that, I spent a lot
of time putting my face at his "window" (as he now calls it) whenever we meet.
After discovering that people rarely asked about his sight, I was amazed. What was going on? All these folks with various challenges who are not being emotionally helped with communication! He
could be getting two channels and
because society tries to "be polite,"
he only gets one. This small incident
was a mirror of how much narrower
my field of vision would be had I
restricted my reality to an old,
acquired skill. See the mirror?
Instead of avoiding my discomfort I
went directly into the sensation of my own discomfort that his discomfort
"mirrored." The natural ability
we all have curiosity, communication,
bonding, helping led me to
discard my acquired socialized misperceptions.
The other day, I took it one step further. Noticing a woman in a wheelchair
smiling at me, I went up and started
pushing her. "Do you mind?" I
asked. "No, it helps me get places a
lot faster." And, all this time I was
thinking that if someone in a wheelchair wanted help - they would ask.
Ha! We had a good time. I ran her
around in circles, and we zoomed
across the floor. Again, my world
expanded. Another concurrent exterior mirror was that, at the time, I
was actively engaged in learning
how to ask for help from others
instead of going it alone.
When I choose to change old habits, I notice outside mirrors in many situations all around me. I use these messages to help me move through new phases of my emotional development. And, if I don't pay attention to these mirrors, sometimes
change chooses me.
For example, punctual me began
to arrive late-despite being on time
my entire life. For about a week, it
seemed to happen over and over again. As I was twenty minutes late to a VIP lecture, having strung myself out by rushing around all day, I said to heaven, "Oh no, don't tell me I have to learn it this way!" What was this external mirror of irresponsibility teaching me? Slow Down! Nothing matters that much! Accept your weaknesses. Stop worrying about what others think about you-or it will get worse! The message in this case was the outside chaos which mirrored my inside
emotional turmoil.
Notice how your perception shifts when you see the lessons around you and the teacher is you. No need any longer to wait for help. The lessons are everywhere. The many circumstances that seem to randomly occur around you are
reflections of inside unfinished business. Avoiding another's disability is a mirror of the emotional wounds we
sweep under the rug. The fascination
we have with tabloid tragedies
reflects our residual childhood pain.
We look outward and see chaos. We
think to ourselves, "my life couldn't be as bad as all that."
Difficult life passages escalate if
we don't pay attention to outside
signs and some of us learn the hard
way. Alcoholics may need to lose
their entire family before wising up.
Some are lucky enough to heed early
psychosomatic warnings: ulcers,
minor car accidents, people leaving
your life over and over, multiple
divorces. What is it we don't pay
attention to?
My clients find me after having dating problems that have been going on for years! The early courtship is wonderful. The chemistry makes them feel alive and healthy. Convinced their new partner is much better than their old one, they think this new partner might be the one. And then, three months into the relationship, cluios comes calling.
Your new partner looks less promising than your old one. Too fat! Too clingy. Too messy. Too good to be true. Best behavior wears thin and old avoidance habits surface. Looking for blame, insecure about closeness, you feel smothered - new suspects with your old behaviors. Step right up, try to avoid the habits you despise and they have them. And so the merry-go-round begins.
Same horse, new rider. No brass
ring.. .unless you find another way.
That is what happened to this person
I know. She spent her childhood hiding from ridicule. She also spent
most of her early years avoiding pain
by pretending she was fine.
The secret came to her one day when she looked through a window and saw something disturbing. Looking back was a girl who was alone and frightened. The girl's face
revealed desperation. Her surroundings reflected chaos. In a sudden rush of awareness, my friend realized it wasn't a window she was looking through. It was a mirror. The woman she saw reflected was herself. She was not looking outside
and seeing what she disliked in others. She was in fact viewing her own
internal discontent and placing blame on the world around her. It was then she saw how poorly she treated others, held grudges and hung on to old injuries to get even. The turmoil that had been chasing her everywhere, now became
unmasked, as her own external
reflection. She didn't like what she
saw - negative thoughts and a lack of
forgiveness towards others.
So she stopped, and she thought:
"If I don't stop this, I will make
myself sick. I might even die from
it!" (And she wanted to live.) Change is not easy, but my friend did it. She didn't let her past choices reign. Her change began with...
Paying attention to the ways she
was not living her life, working herself raw to meet deadlines, be the best, please the folks, find the right
relationship, look the prettiest...
Paying attention to the ways she
would find fault, take offense at the
simplest of human frailties. In particular she paid attention to recurring coincidences. The events which
she normally viewed as rotten luck
seemed awfully familiar. She paid
attention to all those...
Repeating Patterns.. .There she
was again, in the same work struggles, in the same family issues which played out again and again. At first she didn't...
Pay attention to the repeating
patterns. One of those repeating patterns included seeing and knowing,
but not doing anything to change
these patterns. For example, how
many times did she lose her keys,
ignore her intuition or even her
mother's very good advice about
men? And, if she attributed difficult
circumstances merely to someone
else's pattern, merely to random circumstances or perhaps an unlucky
string of circumstances
thennnnnnnnnnn...
Things got worse before they got
better (if she didn't pay attention,
that was. That was the reason the pattern got worse, to get her attention.)
When my friend started paying
attention to the repeating patterns,
she started doing things differently.
She chose change. This time she chose to looking back in forgiveness of others and herself. She learned that her old patterns and her painful past had once had a purpose. The patterns were merely new lessons she hadn't paid attention to. To change she had to first be a student
and look honestly into the mirror.
I know now because the friend whose story I have shared is actually me.. .and, the reflection that I now see in the mirror, regularly smiles back!
Author: Jama Clark, Ph.D.
(For information on Dr. Jama Clark's book What
the Hell Do Women Really Want? (2nd Ed.),
Island Flower Books call 1-(8OO) 266-5741
www.womenwant.com