The Future is Coming — There’s No Way to Stop It

Humor- The Future is Coming
­­The future is coming and there’s no way to stop it. For close to 10,000 years the horse was the main mode of transportation, until we hit the 20th century, then, the horse was demoted to just a gambling vehicle. Within a hundred years we went from the horse and buggy to the automobile to flying in the skies. Technology is attacking us from every direction. Some good and some bad.

I remember going to the library (that’s a big building with lots of books in it) and leafing through encyclopedias to look up information like… what does a spider monkey eat or how does an elephant sleep? Now days, you just sit on the couch and call out to Alexa for answers to mindless questions. “Alexa, how many miles is it from here to Moscow?” With things like Alexa, soon nobody will need to read. You can lounge around and ask Alexa to tell you what the book The Old Man and the Sea was about. “Oh my God, there’s a whale in it, Alexa. Does it eat a lot of people… like the old man?” you eagerly ask. Bingo, you just saved yourself two or three weeks of reading a book. Now you can act cool in front of your friends by throwing out Hemingway references. I’m not worried about the kids learning to read though. They need Facebook.

Technology is moving at the speed of light. You go out and buy the latest toaster that’s able to send a message to your cell phone letting you know your bread is now toasted. Then, in no time, it becomes out dated and you feel you’ve been ripped off. If you just waited another day you could’ve bought a toaster that butters your toast, then walks it over to the table.

Just when you think there’s nothing else left to invent something comes out and blows your mind. I recently saw a mechanical bed that can sense when one is snoring then it will raise or lower you until you stop the sleep snorting. How many marriages might this save? I’m going to wait for the next version. That one that changes the sheets laced with your snoring drool and then makes the bed.

If you have an invention that doesn’t work by cell phone, shelf it. It’s worthless. Some new cell phones, coming out in the next few years, have a function where you breath into them and they will detect up to fifty-four diseases. That’s crazy. Could you imagine after a bad day where the wife has left you, you’ve been fired, and you totaled your car then you huff into your phone and it tells you that you have Typhoid. Or, how about you’re having a great day where you won the lottery then you breath into your phone and it reads, “Congratulations, you have been diagnosed with Ebola!” That could very well dampen your day. What if you’re in the midst of a phone conversation wishing your mom “Happy Mother’s Day” and your cell informs you that you of some disease. “I gotta go, ma. I think I have Meningitis.” Your mother responds, “Well, have some chicken soup and a glass of ginger ale.” You inform her “Mom, my phone says I only have twelve hours to live.” On the Brightside, they’ll be less doctor bills. I can see me sitting in front of my phone, sweating, trying to build up the courage to get tested, I finally exhale into the Samsung and I get a text that reads, “Halitosis. Damn, does your breath stink!” I’ll take it. Beats Cholera.

There is already an app called “moodies” which can tell which mood you’re in. Do we really need this? Come on, it’s common knowledge that everyone’s always in a bad mood. Hopefully the app will be able to send someone else’s mood to you. “You know Bob, I think I will have that beer with you after work. My wife’s mood was just sent to me and “grumpy and pissed” is not something I should be rushing home to.” What’s next? An app that tells you how hungry you are? How tired you are? How frisky you are? “No sweetie, the app says it’s cuddle time?” Or, “Honey the app says you need to put on the eye mask and spank me with crop stick.” Soon, we won’t ever have to feel or think. They’ll be an app for that. ...
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by Jeff Charlebois

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