Much of the year, men in the High Chihuahua Desert of Texas are so lame that they groan when they have to carry 10 pounds of groceries from the car to the kitchen. Then, when it’s deer-hunting season, these no-accounts suddenly summon the strength to haul high powered rifles, tons of ammunition and gallons of beer up a jagged canyon road.
We Texans have a reputation for hunting anything that moves. We’ve shot Indians to survive, shot game to survive and even shot each other to survive. Occasionally, after a few gallons of beer, we even shoot a friend or two for kicks. But still, it’s unfair for the rest of the country to depict us as violent. Au contraire. We’re as gentle as lambs; it’s the environment that gets us all riled up.
During the current hunting season, we must be vigilant in our efforts to control the violence and other social disorders perpetrated by the deer themselves. Last year, a million of those beasts ran into the road, attacking a million vehicles, costing drivers a billion in damage nationwide, and yet not one of those four-legged creatures was ever tested for alcohol or drugs.
I tell you, these deer respect no boundaries, and they show un-American like disdain for private property. During droughts in West Texas, they frequently barge into people’s yards, devouring vegetables, flowers and newly planted trees. These doe-eyed illegal immigrants bring with them innumerable diseases, and may even have a hoof in drug running and global warming.
Relief is on the horizon, however, thanks to a condition called Chronic Wasting Disease (CWD). Reported in 14 states, this condition seems to be heading west. It causes deer to become weak and disoriented, giving even the most incompetent hunter equal footing.
Be advised, however, that desperate Bambi loyalists will likely start a Save The Deer! campaign. They’ll probably choose one of those cute little grass nibblers as their mascot, and then plead for “Bucks for Bambi.” Don’t be fooled.
What people fail to take into consideration is the decadent aspect of the Bambi situation. In the Disney movie, cute little Bambi was an innocent boy deer, while today’s “Bambi” works at the 900-number call center, where you give her your credit card number, and she gives you a piece of her dirty mind.
Our campaign to rid the West of Bambi’s immoral influences must include the whole family. Mom, Dad, sis and bro each has a role: Dad can drive, Mom can barbecue, Jr. can track down Bambi and work him over with a little league bat, while sis can mow down any clown who dares to call her Bambi—if his credit card company refuses to approve the charge.
Remember the motto of the cult classic Texas Chainsaw Massacre: “The Family that Slays Together, Stays Together”? I think that should be etched over the hearth of every home in the Southwest. I say we start with Texas, and then see how it catches on.
by George Covington
ABILITY's Chet Cooper first met Covington in Washington DC. Covington worked as a Special Assistant to Vice President Dan Quayle, and helped pass the landmark civil rights legislation the Americans with Disabilities Act.