With the divorce rate over fifty percent, should people get married? I say, why not? What the hell else is there to do?

Really...What else is there to do? You can’t play football your whole life (I don’t care how big a girl you are). You can’t hit the bars every night. (Man, your liver needs a holiday, too). People are lonely creatures. More than that, we all need someone to fight with, yell at and humiliate. It’s just part of who we are.

You can’t even pretend to be married. Without that piece of paper and those vows there’s no way anybody would continue to put up with a partner in that type of setting. When you’re dating or living together there’s always an escape route. (Running out for a pack of smokes and never returning is an all time favorite. Even if you don’t smoke, it works. You just can’t top the classics.) Living together simply gives you no reason to stay and fight…and that’s what marriage is all about— dishing it out and taking it from your spouse. When I got married I started sleeping around. I’d sleep on the couch, in the garage, the dog house—it just depended how mad she was.

A lot of women need a sign before they get married… it’s called a dollar sign. That’s right, women like a man who has money. I never see the hot babe flirting with the panhandler. “Will marry for food” is never a good sign…even if the words are spelled correctly. Women like the little things in a man—a job, a bank account an expensive car. Men, on the other hand, are simple beasts. They like a semi-hot meal and that special someone to bring the roof down in the bedroom. They can’t go wrong with a nymphomaniac chef. However, after that wears off they’re left singing “Is That All There Is?”

A man had better be prepared to work when he gets married…and I don’t mean a real job, although he’d better have that. All the things he’d once become used to putting off (like taking out the trash, cutting the lawn, putting his dish in the dishwasher)…well, that party’s over. That dirty sock in the corner no longer becomes a ABILITY 7 decoration. Football games must now wait until the chores are done…and incidentally, men, the chores are never done.

Men are happy when their wives are happy. That usually means their households will be calm and they’re not going to be ripped apart for not doing something they were supposed to do. Women, on the other hand, do not want their men happy unless they are happy. If a woman feels miserable, her man had better feel the same way, and if he doesn’t, she’ll do every thing in her power to make sure he does. Women view marriage as a partnership. They’re not going to feel lousy by themselves— they’re taking their men with them.

After a year or two of marriage, wives have learned to answer all questions pertaining to the relationship. They’re always ready to chime in. It’s unclear whether this is because females love to talk, or if they just can’t trust their hubbies to give out information.

A woman often believes she is going to change her man, never realizing that a man is lucky if he changes his underwear. People rarely change. If the guy’s a pig when you married him, he’ll be a pig when you divorce him…but with less money. A marriage is a constant battle to change that spouse you once loved everything about. Just when you think you’ve fixed the little thing that’s been irking you for the last year, BOOM! You’re blindsided by another annoying habit. If your marriage is going to have a chance, it’s important to realize you are always going to be disappointed.

A wife has some very powerful weapons at her disposal. They’re called her voice and her knack for nagging. That’s a good knack to have—all too often, men need to be knocked upside the head. Boom boom side-a-head, boom, boom side-a-da-head! Nagging prevents the home from turning into disarray and looking like a crack house. A wife knows she must always keep her husband busy, or else the sneaky louse will be hiding in the office looking up porno on the internet.

Every marriage is going to have its slew of fights. That’s the way humans show love for one another. Someone really should find a way to reveal this to young lovers to warn them of the pending battles. Perhaps instead of, “I now pronounce you husband and wife,” the priest could say something like, “Let’s get ready to r-r-r-rumble!” Fights are okay to clear the air. There’s nothing like a good ol’ fashioned spat to open the waves of communication. The back-and-forth banter: “You repulse me!” “I despise you.” “I hate you.” “Rat face.” “Lizard lips.” Before you know it you’re in the bedroom making out and making up…or in the kitchen throwing culinary ware. Too much fighting and then sadly it’s time to send in the clowns.

Unfortunately, marriage can make a person lazy. You become a creature of habit. You come home from work, sit in the same chair, watch the same TV show. The only time you shake things up is when you snack on a different-flavored bag of chips. You figure, why work out? I already landed a partner. Yes, marriage can breed lethargy. I remember one time my wife said to me, “Let’s go into the other room and have sex.” And I was like, “Well, just pick one—either go into the other room or…”

People grow together in a marital relationship. They learn each other’s intimate secrets. She watches where you scratch yourself. He sees when you pluck your facial hair. More importantly, you can trust your spouse to keep these clandestine activities under his or her hat. Your wife will certainly not to tell anybody you still sleep with a teddy bear and listen to The Carpenters. And your husband will never reveal that you dye your hair and wax your butt.

One of the great things about marriage is you always have someone to talk to about other people. There’s nothing that brings couples closer than talking smack. It usually starts out with, “Nobody’s supposed to know this, BUT…” or “Don’t tell any of your friends this, BUT…” The key to a long-lasting marriage is keeping the focus off your own faults and deflecting them on to colleagues, friends, neighbors and other unsuspecting dupes.

Married couples should hang out only with other married couples. Trouble arises when singles are brought into the mix. Single life is exciting. Married life is boring. Singles tell stories about crazy dating excursions or getting locked up in jail for the night. It’s always good stuff. Married couples talk about…their kids. If they don’t have kids the conversation is usually about the DVD they rented a few nights ago…and they both explain the movie to you while correcting each other. Ultimately the single lifestyle wears thin and you tire of sneaking out of a stranger’s house at six in the morning, racking your pounding head to come up with the name of that bed companion. At least when you’re married, you remember your partner’s name…most of the time.

So should people get married? Yes! Marriage elevates us. It gives us responsibility to help us become fully developed. It teaches us to care for someone other than ourselves. It also offers companionship—the opportunity to have someone to grow with. We understand how to love unconditionally. We learn how to tolerate smells, unspeakable behavior and loony family members. But, most of all, we learn forgiveness for imperfect actions. Like everything worthwhile, marriage takes a lot of work to make it work…otherwise, they say, marriage is the quickest way to divorce. One thing’s for sure, it is a beast that constantly needs nurturing. Everyone should do it… hopefully just once. It is a journey with many rewards.

by Jeff Charlebois
Ham on a Roll

ABILITY Magazine
Articles in the Scott Caan issue; Humor — I Do?; Ashley’s Column — Breaking News; ABILITY House — Laura’s Story; Sen. Tom Harkin — SSA Backlog; Bonner Paddock — King of the Mountain; Adam Lee — Inspiration Through Inflation; Conan's Concussion Junction — Head Injury for Dummies; Bad Boys — EEOC Tackles Job Discrimination; Straight From the Heart — Vascular Disease and You; Pluck O’ The Irish — Exploring the Emerald Isle; Taking the Sky — Paraplegic Adventurer Flies Again; USBLN — Business Leadership Celebrates Disability; Scott Caan — Entertainer Makes Waves for Autism; Blue Cross — Insurance Expert on Health Care; The Skinny On Obesity— Breaking Down the BMI; Tap Into Your Potential — An Excerpt from Wise Mind; ABILITY's Crossword Puzzle; Events and Conferences... subscribe

Oct/Nov 2009