What in the world would we do without computers? I could see not having a phone. Who likes to make small talk with bill collectors anyway? I could even see not having a television. Believe me, I can make it in this world without Project Runway. But I can’t live without my computer.

I don’t know how I got into such a symbiotic relationship with this technological beast, and yet she’s become my best friend in the whole, wide world. I haven’t forgotten the old days when I used a typewriter, and spent half my time correcting every mistake with Whiteout or correction tape. It would take me an hour to write a paper and three days to fix the misspelled words. I so remember having to look up information in a, uh, book. (Those things with pages between the covers.) How the encyclopedia sales people must despise Google. Those were horrible times, when you actually had to know the alphabet by heart.

Computers are simply amazing. You can further your knowledge of any subject in a matter of minutes. Last week I found out that the Queen of England was actually a real woman. Very different from the queens of America. I also read that you can clear up acne by drinking bleach. (I’ll just soldier on with my zits.) You can even find out within seconds when Britney Spears went to the bathroom. How cool is that?

My computer knows me better than anyone. It has me by the Internet cable. If it wanted to blackmail me, there’d be nothing I could do. It knows where the bones are buried. My computer even knows that I listen to The Carpenters and Celine Dion. Definitely, not secrets I want out in the open. It knows what I’ve plugged into my search engine. In my defense, I was just curious about erectile dysfunction. As for the pornography, I needed to make sure that my bank-teller sister wasn’t moonlighting again.

Okay, we finally hit the hot-button subject. It’s hard to ignore porno sites when you’re constantly bombarded by skimpy pictures of chicks in lacy undies, or such subject lines in your mailbox as “busts loose and panties free.” This stuff can pop up anywhere. (The porno sites, I mean.) For instance, if you put “refinancing my home” into Google, one or two of the searches will say “refinancing girls in thongs.” You try, but you can’t fight this stuff.

We’re also harassed with ads: Crap that pops up when you’re in the middle of researching something really important, like “untraceable poisons.” These ads— everything from Viagra to mutual funds—are annoying. I wish that pop-up Scottrade helicopter would crash.

Obviously, these ads are intended to get you to purchase things. You don’t even have to leave your home to shop. That’s right ladies, you can do damage right on the computer. No more having to drag a kicking and screaming man to the mall with you. All the clothes you need are right there on the Internet. Just put your guy’s credit card number on the shopping site, and 48 hours later you’re wearing that new blouse. I know it’s not as much fun as putting your fella through the hell of watching you try on things at the mall, but then again you don’t have to put yourself through the hell of filling up your tank with $4 dollar a gallon gas.

Everything we own is now on our computers. Our documents, movies, songs, pictures, financial statements. We pay bills on line because check writing is exhausting, and because one click of the button and you’re done. It leaves you little time to contemplate how you’re actually going to cover the funds.

We even put our home movies on the computer for the world to see, as if the world isn’t bored enough. I can’t describe what it’s like to watch my three-year-old daughter dance in the kitchen while the dog runs around her. Wait, yes I can, it’s stupid!

On the other hand, I don’t really mind the videos of teenage clowns skateboarding off rooftops. (They probably won’t be with us too much longer, anyway.) Why make a fool of yourself in private, when you can go public and show the world what a jackass you are? YouTube has every video clip that you can think of, and two or three of them are actually good.

Which brings up another topic: Every time you turn around, your computer proves to you that it can do something totally new and amazing. At first you could just type documents and print them out. Now you can steal music, edit video, play games, “fly” over someone’s house and even find out what it’s worth. You can research medical cures, too. Just don’t expect a moneyback guarantee. You’re on your own there, Pal.

How can anyone doubt Darwinism? Computers are clear evidence of evolution. My biggest fear is that one morning my computer will blurt out, “Hello Hal, what’s on the agenda for today?”

The downside of these machines are the technical problems. You’re in the midst of doing something—usually extremely urgent—and the damn thing freezes up. Your heart begins to race. You frantically strike the keys. You swear. You pray to God. You swear again. You slap your computer. Finally, you use all your technical knowledge and, as a last ditch measure, you unplug the thing, and then plug it back in. It’s just got to work! Nope. Now your life is on hold until your 10-year-old neighbor gets home from school, and comes over to do whatever he does while you sit there and say, “Yeah, I was gonna try that.”

If you are diagnosed with cancer, Lupus or syphilis that’s bad, but not as bad as when your computer gets a virus. Everything could be destroyed or stolen. It’s weird though;, thieves always steal funds out of your account, but never take your debt. How I wish they would break into my bank account and pay off my credit cards. We need more modern-day Robin Hoods online.

OMG, the email thing is fantastic. What a great way to piss away the day. Nothing like sitting at work and being paid to read jokes or look at pictures of naked people on mo-peds. Email is also good for keeping in touch with that old friend, so you don’t have to visit. You even have time to think up a fool-proof excuse. “Oh, I’d love to see you, but that weekend I’m cleaning the cat box.” These are the peeps that you like to have as back up in case you visit your hometown and need a place to stay, but don’t have money to shell out for a hotel room.

The other great thing about emailing is that you no longer need to make that dreadful phone call face-toface. You can simply fire off a text message saying you still don’t have the money quite yet, or let the boss know that you won’t make it into work because you have a scratchy throat aka a helluva hangover.

Email allows you to laugh at jokes that you can no longer laugh at in public. There’s always that friend who must forward you everything that comes their way. It might be a prayer that could change your stinking life and make you a millionaire—if you forward it to 10 people. It could also be a sappy story about other people who have more of a stinker life than you do. Don’t you just love those? Sometimes you get something that has a moral to it and is supposed to make you ponder. Can you say trash bin?

We can’t forget what the computer has done to bring people together. I’m talking about dating sites. You know, where people put up pictures when they were 20 years younger and weighed 60 pounds less, claiming how much they value honesty in a relationship. Everybody’s profile is of the perfect human being. He or she describes how much they like to exercise, read books, avoid fast food and spend time with that special someone with whom they can “just be themselves.” (Hey, being themselves is what got them kicked out of their last relationship.)

Once you’ve found the picture of your dream lover, you trade a few emails to begin a new relationship. If you’re a girl, you’re hoping to meet a man with money. If you’re a man, well, you’re just hoping she’s not into that long-term thing. Soon you take it to the next level— Instant Messaging. Whoo-hooo. The best thing about IM’ing is that you’re completely hidden from that person, and so you have ample time to think up a good lie.

BABYLUV: “Why did it take you so long to answer iftell me you were married?”

TOTALDAWG: “I had to go in the other room and vacuum the rug. When you say married, how do you mean that?”

In the old days when you talked to a potential date on the phone, every “um” and “ah” gave away your deceptive replies. With IM’ing, the skies the limit. It’s addictive. You rush home from work, exited and horny, hoping to spend your evening IM’ing this new Internet love. The steam builds and, finally, the only way to cool your jets is to actually meet this person face to face. That’s when the fairy tale begins to unravel.

Still, we’ve got no choice but to surrender to our computers. We can go days without our car or our spouse, but we can no longer live without our laptops and desktops, nor our access to the all-knowing, all-seeing, omnipotent Internet. Could you imagine a world without the computer? It’s simply unfathomable. What would the human race do? Spend more time with family? Perform the jobs they were actually hired to do? Read ABILITY Magazine? I shudder at the thought.

by Jeff Charlebois