Well, the insane 2020 election is behind us…finally. It seemed like it might go on to 2024. I would’ve died a thousand deaths. One can only take so much of a bad thing. Some consider it a done deal while others are clinging to a miracle. So now, half the country is elated, and the other half is severely depressed and suicidal. Besides the Civil War our country has never been so divided, except for the Coke vs Pepsi battle in the 1980s. Personally, I’d like to see the Democrats live on one side of the country and the Republicans on the other side. They can shoot rockets and lob missiles over the Mississippi River at each other.
One thing both sides can agree on is, thank God, the political commercials are over. We’re tired of candidates telling us how noble they are. Boring us with promises that will never be kept. We just want to get back to those funny Progressive commercials with Flo and Jamie. My cell phone was going crazy every five minutes with texts rolling in begging for campaign donations. If I give them some money, I couldn’t pay my cell bill and they’d shut off my phone. Then who would you send your annoying money-groveling texts to.
There’s a lot of claims of election fraud. Voting machines were suspect. Ballots coming in late. Dead people casting votes. To me that seems racist. Dead people are a significant portion of our population, although not very productive but, heck, either am I. Theses corpses have as much of a right to vote as anyone else. I’d even go so far as to say their probably smarter than the average voter. I saw a testimony of a woman who found out that her service dog had voted. She has no idea how. The mutt was by her side for the whole election day and swears he never ran off at any time. What baffles her is she has no clue who he voted for. Some candidate was able to corner the canine vote.
The choice for president usually boils down to more government or less. I’m not a big government man. I’m not even a big man. Hell, sometimes I think I’m not even a man. I’ve had girls ask me if I’m a man or a mouse? I always choose mouse. It’s made my life simpler. A mouse doesn’t have to be responsible and pay bills or get in some fight for sticking up for his girlfriend’s honor. They get in beefs with guys in bars, and it’s never the little dudes, calling them names and starting a fiery hoopla that always ends with “yeah, well, my boyfriend’s gonna kick your ass.” Then she looks at me and says, “Well, are you gonna do something? Are you a man or a mouse?” My answer is always the same, “squeak, squeak.”
Now getting back to government, if this was a business it would be out of business. They’re very inefficient. Anybody ever been to a DMV? If our government were a regular private business, they’d be bankrupt. Oh, that’s right, they are, but only by 21 trillion. They need to cut down on the daily Starbucks and start chipping away at their debt. I’ll bet my life no debt collectors blow up their phones.
It boggles my mind how people would want the government involved in its everyday life. Men can’t even take simple orders from their wives. “Honey, I said get me a bottle of olive oil not Jim Beam.” Some time ago the mayor of New York released a decree that stated you couldn’t buy a soda over sixteen ounces. Who the hell is this guy to tell me I can’t get fat or get diabetes?
Maybe a little flab makes my face look fuller and helps me get those elusive dates. Maybe one of my goals in life was to get diabetes. Don’t rain on my parade. This is almost a free country, pal. Also, if I want to keep my dry cleaners’ business open during Covid that’s my prerogative. Our ancestors put the beatdown on the British for freedom and the pursuit of happiness. Nobody says you must come into my dry cleaners and chance catching the virus, but at least you have the choice. However, with the lockdown, you have no choice but to wear a food-stained shirt now. Just like the diabetes maybe I want the virus. I’ve always like to experience new things.
I was hoping Kayne would pull out this election even though I couldn’t name one song of his. I’m more of a Helen Ready man, well, mouse. With this election debacle over I guess we can now get back to our lives and start enjoying the virus. It was ugly this time around because so much appeared to be a stake. After watching all the insane riots, looting, and ripping down our statues, it made me long for the America I once knew. I guess we’ll see if we can find it again or if it’s gone forever.
by Jeff Charlebois: wheelfunnystuff.com
DURING THESE UNCERTAIN AND STRESSFUL TIMES, ABILITY Magazine is providing FREE Premium Memberships that include all Content, Digital Flip Page ABILITY Magazine, PDF versions, plus online interactive ABILITY Crossword Puzzles. SIGN UP HERE FOR YOUR FREE MEMBERSHIP