The Virus Ain’t So Bad?

Mask

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This Corona-virus has really become a pain in the tucas for many of us. It has brought this great country to a standstill. Just when it looked like we were done with it for a little while, the beast decided to hang around and wreak more havoc. Who would’ve ever thought we’d see this plague in our lifetime? Let us die first then hit the millennials with it, they deserve it. They play video games all day. Things look bleak now but there are a few positives. I’ve always been a glass half full type of guy which is evident by the amount of alcohol I put in my cocktail, so I try to find the bright side in a terrible situation, i.e. Covid-19.

One thing I have enjoyed, especially living in Los Angeles, is that there hasn’t been much traffic. Thanks to the virus it has closed down everything, so nobody has anywhere to go. Many just go for a drive just to enjoy the vacant freeways because they know they may never see them again. Also, since the roads are practically empty, they’ve been fixing them up and filling potholes. Thank you, Corona, for putting my tax money to good use. There’s also lots of highway room for those daily car chases that glue us to the tv, hoping for a crazy ending.

The working at home thing is something people seem to really be enjoying. How can they not? You can go to bed later. Sleep in. Eat whenever you want. Watch some television. There are no office chums you need to pretend to look busy in front of. Sure, you miss the gossip, but you have something to look forward to when you return back to the office. You don’t need to get in your car and mumble those infamous words, “Damn, I need to get gas.” Perhaps the best thing is, you can take naps whenever you want. Just leave the computer on and that window open that looks like you’re working. And, if and bosses call, do a few taps on the keyboard during the conversation, for effect. Whatever you do, don’t yawn, like he or she just woke you up.

People have to wear masks out in public. Its kind of reminds me of Halloween where everyone decided to dress up as doctors, surgeons or nurses. I like it because I find it’s easier to lie to people. They don’t have much to work with to tell if your lying, just the eyes, really. “Do you think I look fat in these jeans?” someone asks. “Not at all,” you respond behind your mask. Sometimes people have a big mole or cold sore around their mouth and when they talk you don’t hear a word they’re saying because your mind is fixated on that object. The mask takes care of that problem. The other great thing about people having to wear masks is you know that one guy who talks to you and when he says a certain syllable droplets of spit spray out of his mouth and land on your cheek? Need I say more. Thank God for the mask.

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Some folks don’t like the social distancing. Me, I’m a big fan of it. I don’t like anyone hovering over me when I talk. It’s hard to concentrate. There’s nothing worse than a close-talker – one who doesn’t respect the neutral conversing zone. When you step back, they step forward. A lot of time these individuals have bad breath too to add fuel to the fire. But, with the six feet of social distancing, you now have the perfect excuse. “Ok Dragon breath, we need to keep our distance here. There’s a virus out there. Rules are rules.”

With the Coronavirus running rampant most of us aren’t gathering with family members like we used to. This Covid-19 has given you the golden ticket. Now, you can play this card both ways. If you’re invited to a family event and you’re dreading it, you can say you’re afraid of catching the virus or you can say you think you may have it. Either one is fine and will most assuredly get you out of going. This makes things easy. No making a potato salad, a Jell-O mold, or fighting with the crazy sister. If you really don’t like some family members, you can always purposely catch the virus then go over and visit them. I’m just saying.

If, by chance, you are one of the unlucky ones who does get the virus, you will need to be quarantined. Are you really that unlucky? I say, a little quiet time never hurt nobody. Get a little R and R. Let someone else take out the garbage for a while. Let someone else unload that dishwasher. You just catch up on your reading. You can relax with no kids screaming for you to make them a grilled cheese sandwich. I can hear the wheels in your brain turning; you’re thinking of going out and trying to catch the virus, aren’t you? I like your style.

So, within all the darkness there is some light. Whether we wanted to or not, we have cemented our generation in history. People will talk about us for ages to come. They’ll remember us as the mask-wearing folks who shut down their economy and canceled all sports and entertainment while locking themselves in their houses. They will probably wonder why we left the liquor stores opened but, well, what else is there to do when there’s nothing to do? Yes, we can all feel depressed and mope around until a vaccine comes or we can somehow find the good in this menacing plague that won’t stop plaguing us. There’s an old Chinese saying that goes, “When thins are inevitable, you might as well enjoy it.”
Bygone Buffoonery written by Jeff Charlebois
by Jeff Charlebois

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