Every year thousands of people are brought in front of an altar to exchange vows and join bank accounts for better or for worse. With stars in their eyes, they gaze upon each other while pondering the question, “What the heck am I doing?”
A wedding is a serious thing-even to a male. It is a ritual that unites the soul of a man and woman. A commitment is made to spend the rest of your lives together, until death do you part, or until someone’s lawyer is invited to step in and breach the contract.
Preparations must be made for a wedding. This is done by the woman because it’s a lot of time consuming work. If the man was administered this work load, nobody would be married. He would have given up long before the tux fitting.
A wedding date must be decided on by the two par ties. Then, the man gets to agree on the date. Will it be in Spring or Fall? Should it be inside or outside? Do we have it in a church or a mall? Can we charge at the door? This is only the beginning.
After deciding when to get married, you must now decide who to invite to the unification ceremony. Yes, you have to send an invitation to that pesky, older broth er who lit your hair on fire as a child. No, you can’t leave out your mother because she grounded you for piercing your lip and tongue when you were fifteen. (A few rings should never come between a mother and her offspring.) As a rule, immediate family members have a free pass to the festive occasion-no matter how embarrassing it might be. Remember, you can always tell people they’re from your spouse’s side of family.
Now you must decide who will be in your wedding party. The male has a best man. This is usually his closest childhood friend who has kept him out of jail or put him in jail during his youth. The female has a maid of honor. This is usually her best friend who never slept with any of her previous boyfriends or has never told her about it. The rest of the party members are simply friends who exhibited one or two flaws that prevented them from being “the best friend.”
When choosing an invitation, be leery of certain things. Don’t send out cards with Ziggy on the front. Don’t use cards that, when opened, play cute little songs. (Sometimes they have subliminal Satanic messages.) Most importantly, if you want to bolster attendance, don’t mention that it’s a cash bar. That’s what the tavern down the street is for, which is most likely where your guests will go if they know they have to pay for booze.
After receiving the three R.S.V.P.’s, from the thousands of invitations sent out, you begin to make plans for the hundreds that will inevitably show up, including their neighbors, exchange students, and a Striner’s Convention that found directions in a dumpster. You are now left with estimating how many grab bags you must order.
At some point, you need to get everyone in the wedding party a gift. Yo-yos are not acceptable items. They are cheap and tacky, Besides, would you like someone to “walk the dog” while your stating your everlasting love. Many consider that rude behavior An acceptable gift might be a harmonica It’s against the law to play them in a church unless your at St. Hohner.
Picking out the right church to get married in can be a painstaking process, especially for to get mar or couples of different denominations Many rituals are different. For instance, Catholics make you stand, sit, and kneel, at the same time. The Orthodox Jews pass around a complaint basket. And, the Scientologists make you recite the periodical table remember Copper is Cu. (Most people will gladly memorize acronyms for their mate, i.e., as long as there’s some chemistry between them.)
Soon it’s time to get fitted for a bridal gown. This could be tricky-especially if you’re pregnant. A white dress is what every woman dreams of wearing for the most important day of her life-even. though her high school nick name as…. “The Galloping Trollop” is in her past. Once she has ordered her gown that is three sizes too small, she is then off to Jenny Craig.
One thing that’s common, in most wed dings, is the exchanging of vows. No, not A. E, I, O, and U. We are talking about a spoken statement of unconditional love and commitment for a husband or wife. A good example would be. “For the rest of my life 1 promise to obey and not make improper bodily noises-especially in bed. I will bathe daily, trim my nose hairs monthly, and clean the garage annually, so help me God.” These commitments should last forever or at least until the honeymoon is over.
After the pronouncing of man and wife, there is a mad dash to the reception. This insane scurry is a result of free food and liquor. However, before indulging the wedding party must be announced. Incidentally, the best man is responsible for bringing the bullhorn.
People gather at their designated tables to converse with folks they haven’t seen in years. The conversation usually reveals why they have avoided each other for years. All to often, there is somebody’s uncle running around, coaxing unsuspecting children into: pulling his finger. His wife follows close behind him, sloppily kissing everyone in the room and her moustache tickles
Soon the pigs-in-the-blanket are served to the pigs at the table. This helps sop up the alcohol so the “Hokey Pokey” can be done flawlessly. The DJ or band, depending on how cheap the bride’s father is, begins playing. The repertoire usually consists of “You Are So Beautiful,” “Feelings.” and “Achey Breaky Heart.” The “Electric Slide” occupies the women for a few hours ’cause well, it’s electric! At some point, everyone will be swallowed up by the “Bunny Hop” train. This is typically conducted by the drunkest single lady there. Then, everyone gets to dance and grope the bride for a dollar.
Before you know it, the time has come to cut the cake. The newlyweds gather around the frosted sculpture, facing each other, with knives. This ritual will also happen quite often throughout the marriage, but there probably won’t be a cake around. The appreciation of the expensive tasty cake is demonstrated by smearing it in the bride and groom’s face. The kids love it and it sets a good example for them.
The reception doesn’t end when the bride and groom hop in the limo and start consummating, it ends when the bar quits serving drinks-even to the one’s already passed out. Before leaving, women snatch the center piece and stuff it in their purse. This decorative item will now replace the dusty whicker bowl of fruit that rests unevenly on a Knitted doyley previously bought at à garage sale.
Everyone stumbles back to the hotel that was generously reserved for them. It is usually a Motel Three or Four, cause the Six is a bit pricey. Many times, groups meet in the lobby to wager on how long the marriage. will last.
Once the wedding is completed, and the couple has returned from their honeymoon in Dubuque, Iowa, they place their corn memorabilia throughout their run down, one bedroom apartment as a reminder of their romantic two day trip. They can now relax and look at the blurry wedding day snapshots of drunk relatives and people they don’t even know. If they’re lucky, they might even see themselves in a picture or two. All and all, a wed ding is a momentous occasion and a lot of work, but hey, it’s worth the free gifts..
by Jeff Charleboise