Humor Therapy — All Lie Dating

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Dying is easy, dating is hard. It’s difficult to find the right person and, if by chance you’re lucky enough to find the right person, often they turn into the wrong person. This on-line dating has probably made things easier. You can start to weed people out before you waste a night on a date. The conundrum is, is that person really who they say they are?

There are so many perfect people out there. Just read their on-line dating profile. Amazingly, they have no flaws whatsoever. Some female’s profile will read “I enjoy hiking, exercising, eating healthy, saving stray animals. I also love to cook and clean, but my real passion is to give massages.” You can’t blame them. Honesty has its place, and that place is certainly not on a dating website. What chance would a woman have to land a date if she were truthful? “I enjoy gossiping. I like when bad things happen to people I am jealous of. I love body shaming celebrities on social media. I am also in major debt because I love shopping and buying things with money I don’t have.” My God, if anyone were foolish enough to be truthful, their dating inbox would be making cricket noises. Lying and deception has always been the key to an active dating life. Sure, eventually your date will see the real you but, nothing wrong with landing a few nice upscale restaurant meals until they do.

Men are certainly no better. The only difference between them lying as compared with the woman’s lies is that men don’t feel guilty. Since little boys they’ve conditioned themselves that lying is usually the easiest route. They grew up denying they broke a window when a baseball was lying on the floor of broken glass while a mitt was on their hand. “I don’t know. I think the wind did it.” On their profiles they write things like, “I’m very old-fashioned. I believe in treating my girl like a queen, holding the door, pulling out her chair and paying for dates. My annual salary is in the six figures but I’m not about the money. I also work-out every day. I’ve been told I’m a really good listener.” I almost vomited while writing that. If we look under the hood and demanded that he tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, his profile will read “I enjoy being lazy. I like to spend quality time laying on the couch and watching football. I also gamble. I don’t know how to fix anything. My passion is drinking beer and watching pornography.” People don’t really believe what’s in these profiles, but what keeps them interested and on the hook is. Maybe, just maybe, this is the one person on this site who isn’t a liar. But, in all honesty, lying is just part of the game. If nobody lied, nobody would get any dates. Maybe instead of “online dating” it should be called “all-lie dating”

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It goes unsaid those men are all about the pictures and the women are about the profiles. Maybe I’m little different or not much of a man. but I check out profiles. A lot of the women write things like, “I’m not into lies, drama or playing games.” I’m like, well that sucks, because those are the top three things I am into. I think if a girl has beautiful pictures up, she can get many dates and it wouldn’t even matter what she had written in her profile. “I’m a very high-maintenance, selfish girl. I’m emotional unstable, moody, and easily fly off the handle. I enjoy belittling men. So far I have killed three men in their sleep.” But the stupid men, and I’m in that category, would go on that date because she just looks hot.

There is a smorgasbord of dating sites; Christian, teen, farmers, transexual, cougars, Russian, little people, little Pilipino, etc. I once went on a date with a lady I found on an “Women over 80” dating site because I wasn’t haven’t any luck on the others. We had a nice time. The only problem I had with her is, when we kissed goodnight, I found her teeth in my mouth. I like to mix things up. Sometimes get a little crazy. I once when on a date with someone I found on a BDSM site. It was weird. I’d say something nice like, “You have beautiful eyes.” Next thing I know is she hits me with a riding crop. I was wondering what she would’ve hit me with if I insulted her. The whole date was a bust. It was simply hard to carry on a meaningful conversation with her when you have a rubber ball in your mouth.

The good thing about the dating sites is you correspond with the person before you go on the date. This relieves the pressure of sitting across the dinner table from them and thinking, “How the hell am I gonna get out of this thing?” The messaging before a potential date helps weed out the crazies. Like if someone continually talks about their cat, dressing them up, sharing dinners at the table with them, dancing together in the living room to Celine Dion, etc. Guess what? You’re always gonna be second fiddle to this person. “You sleep on the couch. Fluffy is scared and wants to stay in our bed tonight.” And, if you’re messaging some guy and his favorite subject is himself, you too, will be a second fiddle. You’ll know who this guy is when you tearfully tell him some sad news, like your Aunt Millie just died, and he responds, “Guess what kind of car I drive?”

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Knowing human nature, I’m guessing many relationships don’t really blossom. At some point people’s true colors surface and they aren’t the person their profile claimed they were. On your first date, the woman who portrayed herself as a light drinker is throwing down bottles of Cabernet like it was a quart of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. The guy who claimed he was making two-hundred grand as a stockbroker credit card gets declined and the poor girl is left picking up the dinner check. I don’t blame people for hiding their flaws. The drive to find that special someone is powerful. People are willing to lie, cheat, get plastic surgery, hide their kids in the attic just to put up that stainless façade. I love love so much that I really hope this formula pays off.

I have no idea what the success rate is on these dating sites. I hope it’s high. Everyone needs someone. But my gut feeling is, people are jumping from one date to another in search of that perfect mate. Maybe they’ll get lucky. I’ve yet to find that perfect person, you know, the female me. Right now, all I have is my cat… and what a fantastic dancer she is.

Bygone Buffoonery written by Jeff Charlebois

Jeff Charlebois
wheelfunnystuff.com

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