“You really feel like you can conquer the world when you’re on this stuff.”
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and a Make America Healthy Again scientist held a press conference to announce their latest administrative changes. Here is a transcript excerpt.
RFK Jr.: The government has been harming Americans for too long. Therefore, I have reclassified SSRIs as schedule 1 drugs with no medicinal value. From this day forward, we will treat depression homeopathically with cocaine.
MAHA scientist: We’re going back to the good old days, specifically 1885.
Reporter: What are the side effects of cocaine to treat depression?
MAHA scientist: Serotonin levels and feelings of grandiosity quickly spike in patients, but they do not engage in any deeply regrettable behavior. So … having too much of a good time?!
Reporter: What statistically significant findings from replicable systematic inquiries support that statement?
RFK Jr.: No one can answer that question.
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MAHA scientist: Actually …
RFK Jr.: No, I’m saying — Don’t answer that question. You’ll be fired.
Reporter: Isn’t processed cocaine a dangerously addictive substance?
MAHA scientist: We use a gentle refining technique. We mix the coca leaves with a purified petroleum, basically organic gasoline, add a sprinkle of baby powder and then allow it to dry in the Sun of America.
RFK Jr.: For the nonscientists like me, he’s saying cocaine is safe for babies.
Reporter: What’s next for MAHA?
RFK Jr.: We’re exploring cocaine as a vaccine alternative. You really feel like you can conquer the world when you’re on this stuff.
Steven Verdile is the creator and editor-in-chief of The Squeaky Wheel. An advocate for authentic representation in media, he created The Squeaky Wheel to amplify disabled voices and bring humor to the nuances of living with a disability.
